Beauty From These Ashes

The day my divorce was final, I had a deep revelation. One I felt the Lord speak to me in an almost audible way. With a pressure in my chest and a flood of emotion, I knew that the Lord had me even when my world was shattering. It is easy to focus on the pain and in the moment, it can almost feel comforting, as it is the only thing you can see clearly at the time. But you know what they say, hindsight is always 20/20, and there was a divine moment where suddenly, everything made sense.

Let’s back up to last April…

I remember this day with such clarity; such detail.

It was a Sunday morning and we walked into church as a family, ready to hear the “Big announcement” that the pastoral staff had been talking about for weeks. I remember sitting in the vintage red theater chair tapping my knee, frustrated and feeling like our waltz into church on a weekly basis, portraying the happy couple, was a lie. I felt like I was in a room full of people and yet completely alone. These thoughts were on my mind when I heard our pastor speak these words:

“We are considering merging with First Baptist, just one block North from where we are now.”

Suddenly, I felt like I had been hit by a train. That was the building we had been married in. That was where our relationship became official. That was where it all began and God was taking us back.

A thousand thoughts started flying through my brain and I started to cry. As I struggled to hold my tears in (absolutely aware that I had to have looked completely ridiculous to those around us), I began to shake. It was in that moment that I started to feel a deep pressure in my chest, one that was almost painful, and I swear I heard this phrase over and over again in my head:

“I’m taking you back to the beginning. I’m birthing something new!”

In that moment I thought to myself, this is it. This is the time and place where our marriage will turn around. This is where we will start over again, and once we are made right, God will bring me into the ministry I had felt called to and I will be able to speak with women in regards to marriage and relationships. This is when I will understand the “why” behind these last 9 years!!

One month later, I was waking up alone.

None of it made any sense. How could God have spoken so clearly in that moment, only to let my legs be swept out from underneath me?

The next several months were comprised of so much pain, yet at the same time, I had a complete peace that God was going to use it anyway, I just had to be patient.

So fast forward to February. I had gotten the call that the divorce papers had been signed and I needed to go in and sign them myself. After leaving my attorneys office, I drove home in a complete daze. I walked in the door and threw my keys on the floor. My house was empty, quiet, and cold and I was completely alone. I stood in the middle of my living room, unable to figure out what to do with myself. I thought back to the day everything “blew up,” for lack of a better phrase, and I started to count.

Nine months. Exactly 40 weeks to the day.

Blowing out a condescending breath of air, I thought to myself “That’s the exact amount of time it takes to grow a human. The amount of time it takes to make a new life is the exact amount of time it took to destroy mine.”

And then I hit the floor.

I couldn’t breath and I cried harder than I had ever cried before. It was when I was dying inside, that I felt that all too familiar pain in my chest. That pressure I had felt on a Sunday morning sitting in church and suddenly, I could hear it again:

“I’m taking you back to the beginning. I’m birthing something new!”

In that moment I was going through that birthing pain. The one that is indescribable and that we truly try to block from our memory, but that also brings about the greatest beauty.

My story isn’t over, in fact it is just beginning. I know that the Lord has carried me through. He delivered on the promise He gave me that April, I just never dreamt it would have been delivered in that way. I didn’t see that deliverance coming when I was in the midst of the storm, I could only see it after. My divorce was not part of God’s perfect plan, but it is a testament that even in the gut wrenching situations, He still uses anything and everything for His purpose.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  - Romans 8:28

Never underestimate your pain, for nothing beautiful ever comes with ease. Only a true creator and sovereign God can transform your greatest hurt into His greatest masterpiece.

Think outside your pain! Think of how God can bring BEAUTY from these ASHES! Know that your beauty can restore and give hope to someone else who is hurting.

How has God shown you He is still there in your pain?